Many people have things in their past that they are ashamed to admit. One deep, dark secret I have (until now, obviously) is that I used to be really jealous. I'm talking insanely jealous.
I used to question my husband when he would talk on the phone: “Who was that? Was it a woman? What were you talking about? Was the conversation about business or something else? What's her name?” Then I would look her up on social media. (Admitting that makes me cringe!)
I would question him when he got home late from work: “Why did you have to work so late? Why couldn't you get all your work done in a reasonable amount of time? Are you sure you didn't really just go to the bar and maybe talk to some women??”
I would snoop. I would eavesdrop. I would start arguments and throw tantrums. It was ridiculous and I felt out of control. I was so embarrassed by my behavior that hardly anyone knew this about me even when I was going through the worst of it.
One day my husband sat me down and said, "If you don't have any trust in me at ALL, then what is the motivation for me to remain trustworthy? If I'm already being treated like I'm a cheating jerk then maybe I should just be that." This, of course, created a whole lot of controversy and I was deeply hurt. But it was a turning point in my marriage. I had to look at myself and what I was creating in my life and in my relationship with my husband.
I knew that my husband deserved to feel respected and loved and I desperately wanted to be well enough, emotionally, to give that to him. Besides having a good, solid marriage, another huge motivating factor for me was that I wanted my children to grow up witnessing their parents having a great marriage so that they could also expect to have the same. I absolutely did NOT want my children repeating the jealously cycle with their spouses. So I decided to change. The decision wasn’t an overnight one…in fact it was a pretty long process and I reverted to my jealous self many times even though I said I was ready to change.
The key is that I sincerely kept trying.
Every day got a little bit better as I chipped away at my false self until one day the chips turned into big breaks and my false self completely fell away.
The feeling of freedom I have had since overcoming jealousy is indescribable. I know feelings of jealously all too well…the torment, the sickening hold it can have on a person, and the overpowering, negative force it can have on a relationship. Now I also know the flip side of how GOOD it feels to not be a slave to this monster. This is why I want to share what worked for me to completely overcome it.
These are key steps that I took:
1.) I went online and found a life coach to help me through. I joined his program and did the exercises on the program. I put my all into the exercises even if they pushed me to move out of my comfort zone. Along with that program, I read a lot of self-development books. I read at least 10 minutes per day. Some books helped me more than others. One that was pivotal in my transformation was the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. The book is about happiness comfort levels and sabotaging yourself when you get past that comfort zone. It helped me to recognize the temptation to sabotage my own happiness and to not do that anymore!
2.) I wrote positive notes to myself and put them on my bathroom mirror so I could read them often. In the beginning I had printed them out on paper and taped them up on my bathroom mirror but then one day a plumber came by. He looked at my affirmations with a really strange look on his face and ever since then I write on my mirrors with dry erase markers instead! That way I can erase my affirmations as needed.
A key affirmation I wrote when I was struggling with jealousy the most was: 'I am in a loving and honest marriage.'
I believe that my husband also started making a change for the better because he was reading the same positive affirmations.
3.) I used essential oils. Here is a study which shows that essential oils can really help with emotions. (There are many more studies than just that one.) I used my oils with intention, especially when I felt the anxiety of a jealous attack coming on. Instead of indulging in that attack, I would reach for my essential oils and make use of the powerful aromatherapy. The urge to give into my negative feelings would leave and I would once again be clear-headed and could move on with my day, knowing that I was powerful enough to get through that moment.
4. I spoke praise to others about my husband. And I let him know how grateful I am for him. See the thing is I KNEW that he was an amazing man, husband and father. I knew I had it lucky. So it was really easy for me to say positive things about him to others and to himself. The prior conditioning in my life made it so that I lumped all men in one category and looked at them through the lens of distrust even though I had a really good one I was sharing my life with! How ironic is that?
5.) I gave myself credit for all the moments I was able to be stronger than the jealous monster within. Since it was entirely my comfort zone to be suspicious, jealous, and questioning, and to give into the monster, I would really give myself a pat on the back when I was able to squash the monster's voice! The more I acknowledged my power, the more power there was to acknowledge. Little by little that monster became weaker and weaker until only my positive, confident voice was left standing.
I made other changes along with the ones I wrote about but the ones I mentioned were the most impactful.
If you’re going through this yourself, but you want a healthier relationship, you will need to have the willingness to change and you will need to be okay with stepping out of your comfort zone.
It is my sincere hope that someone reading this will be strengthened to take the necessary steps to squash jealousy once and for all. I know how it can be hell on earth to live, think and act from the point of jealousy all the time. If you are struggling with being a jealous person, please keep heart - you can change, I promise. If I did it, you can definitely do it. Maybe it’s not you who is suffering from jealously…maybe it’s your mate (which, you are still suffering if it’s your mate!) If you know someone who may benefit from this article please pass it on to them. Or take it to heart if it is you who needs help in this department.
I hope that you find the strength that you need because the rewards are worth it. Much love to you on your journey. <3
In Love and Health,